As I 've been finding out from observing relation****ps, both successful
and unsuccessful, and attempting to have one in my own life right now,
there are ten C's that are necessary for relation****ps that are
complete. These are:
Caring
Compassion
Communication
Consideration
Clarity
Compatibility
Credibility
Charitability
Commitment
Creativity.
Caring - mutual caring about one another - is the first ingredient of
anything that can possibly qualify as relation****p. There can be no
worthwhile relation****p between people who don't care about each other,
and genuine caring about the partner is the first ingredient of any
possibly lasting love. Any relation****p that is shorn of caring turns
into exploitation and ultimately abuse, coldness, and mutually assured
destruction. People absolutely must care about each other in order to
have any love between one another; and people who don't care about one
another have no business being in any relation****p at all. Caring
provides the nurturing soil in which can grow love, as well as the
partners. It is the first and main ingredient of love - as well as of
friend****p or indeed any meaningful interaction. The partners or
friends who don't care about you are neither friends nor partners. And
with caring, it is possible to overcome many obstacles, as well as many
problems in self or in relation****p. Caring provides the motivator and
the soil; other things provide the tools to make it matter.
One such tool is compassion. Compassion means understanding where the
person comes from and relating to them on the basis of that. A frequent
grievous error that people make is that of judgment rather than
compassion: Of failing to understand the person's motives, experience
and ways of thinking before jumping to negative conclusions about their
motivations and behavior and then prosecuting them for their
perceptions of them. Few things kill love more reliably than lack of
compassion; few things are as damaging emotionally. Compassion makes it
possible for people to understand each other; to relate to each other
on meaningful level; and to work through whatever problems that they
may have, in a manner that is forgiving, kind and mutually enriching.
Some people are compassionate overtly; others become so through
training and experience, which may sometimes involve learning from
errors and understanding own shortcomings enough to be forgiving of
those of another. Whether natural or trained, compassion is the bridge
between other and self that make possible the lasting and
self-repleni****ng flow of goodwill and passion; and with genuine
compassion, the error of judgmentalism that kills meaningful
relation****ps is overcome.
Communication is what makes possible for caring and compassion to
manifest and to continue. Communication makes it possible for people to
talk through their problems, to work through their disagreements, and
to come up with intelligent solutions that take the needs of both
partners into account. Communication makes it possible for people to
understand where they are coming from (making possible compassion), to
express their perceptions and feelings, and to allow each other
intimacy where there would otherwise be only battling. Communication
means understanding own feelings well enough to express them and let
the partners understand each other's point of view. This, in turn,
makes possible both compassion and caring; it also makes possible to
solve problems rather than get stuck in them perpetually. Lack of
communication makes it impossible for people to understand each other,
which in turn leads to needless conflict and frequent recrimination in
place of knowing where each other is coming from. And learning to
communicate - to understand the self, to try to understand the
partner's perspective, and thus through mutual expression to understand
one another - can solve most of the problems that arise in
relation****ps. With good communication, it is possible to work through
problems rather than letting them destroy everything in their path.
Unlike caring (which comes naturally), or compassion (which can either
be natural or developed deliberately), communication is in all cases a
learned skill; and learning to communicate in relation****ps
successfully is key to avoiding needless conflict and misery - conflict
and misery that needlessly and unjustly destroy all kinds of
relation****ps - and allowing love to grow in the nurturing soil of
caring and compassion.
Consideration is attentiveness to the partner's feelings and needs.
That of course is a part of love; and a necessary component also of
caring. Consideration is what makes it possible on a day to day basis
for partners to get along. It is what avoids disagreements and fights
over small things, which fights may turn into something larger as they
build up. To be considerate of the partner makes it possible to
anticipate many things that would otherwise lead to fights and to
disagreements, and avoid making bad choices that wrongly affect the
partner. All in all, it is a state of mind that makes it possible to
get through the day without needless fights and resentments; and in so
doing it makes daily living easier.
Clarity is a matter of understanding emotions and motivations,
especially one's own. Being able to do that, makes it possible to be
compassionate to a greater extent. Being able to see self - and see the
other - and love them for it, is to have contact with them at the
deepest levels; contact that leads to a very profound and meaningful
intimacy. Being clear in the mind of the person's attributes,
motivations, goals and perspectives, it becomes possible to likewise do
what affects them most beautifully - to be the best partner possible,
and to direct efforts in the most effective possible manner. Clarity is
a state of mind that enhances effectiveness; and in relation****ps it is
a state of mind that enhances effectiveness of love.
Compatibility means picking the right partner and being the right
person for the partner. It means choosing the right person and being
the right person. Compatibility does not mean similitude of ethnicity
or religion or age or upbringing or geography; it means closeness of
basic mindset and basic propensities. It means being close to the
partner at the most fundamental levels - the levels, not of tradition
or adaptation, but of the tenor of heart and mind. And it is discovered
perhaps best through people finding each other based on similarity of
interests - in forums (athletic, artistic, political, etc) that lend
expression to those interests - rather than through people finding each
other in bars, where the only thing they know about each other is that
they are both drunks.
Credibility means being trustworthy. It means fulfilling promises; it
means being able to own up to mistakes; it means refraining from
expressions of anger and violence that do injury to the heart of the
partner. It means earning and keeping the trust of the partner, by
being or else becoming a credible individual. Credibility means
self-control; it also means character. All these can be developed, and
there are many ways to do so in the world.
Charitability is a state of basic generosity and openness to the
partner. It is willingness to forgive; it is willingness to refrain
from criticism and prosecution; it is a basic kindness and goodness of
spirit that makes it possible for love to continue in spite of possible
misunderstandings, arguments and mistakes. It is willingness to live
and let live; it is willingness to be compassionate and forgiving. All
in all, it is the essence of love - the love that makes it possible
for goodwill to blossom and propagate and thrive in spite of anything
that might arise between the partners. Once developed, charitability
can then reach out to other areas of life and make possible more
fulfilling existence and beautiful experience of life for self and
others in it.
Commitment means being dedicated to making the relation****p happen.
This is something that must be done by both parties - both must be
committed to each other and to the love among each other. Commitment
assures that people are determined to overcome whatever issues might
arise, and are likewise determined to making love continue. It assures
loyalty between the partners; it also assures determination between the
partners toward making the love live and grow. It is an effort of will,
by both parties, to persevere in love for each other and in so doing to
overcome all possible obstacles while also sustaining and growing the
relation****p.
The final C of relation****ps (in this list so far) is creativity.
Creativity makes it possible to come up with original solutions to
problems and, rather than being bogged down by problems, instead stay
on top of them. It also makes it possible to have a relation****p full
of fun and excitement in which nobody ever gets bored or settled into a
rut. Creativity makes the relation****p blossom and sparkle and produce
beautiful fruit; it also makes it possible to innovatively solve
problems that may arise unexpectedly, for which pat or methodical
solutions may fail. It is thus the attitude and frame of mind that
allows both to solve problems and to reach ever-higher into the place
of ongoing love.
There are probably other ingredients, but these are the main ones
I've seen so far in successful relation****ps, and ones that I have
been called upon to develop in myself in order to keep alive the love
of my future bride. I will check in as solutions continue arriving; but
these are my notes from paradise so far.
Ilya Shambat
http://ibshambat.blogspot.com
|
